I am writing in humble thanks for the respect of an honest response and lessons to LittleOldMan, Superdog, bullhead and kosowith. I would like to address your main points, yet be as brief as I can.
LittleOldMan – I am female, however, age is relative. I feel that I may be young to you but am no longer a wild, naïve young lady either. In my native heritage, however, yes - I am a very young child. That is when I sort of turned my back to it- the native heritage (long story that doesn’t belong here) and “grew up” for lack of better expression. To the responses for you and Superdog, I’ll try to get through this without crying as I can feel that young child wanting me to return. I have researched my ancestry a bit, along with others in our family. The German is very easy as three generations ago, my great grandparents came on a ship and there is documentation. We have a family will from ages back from Germany as well to know that in a small village there - an uncle was quite important because he had four goats and had a will. I don’t remember the details on the translation of this – the original hangs in my parents’ office, but the gist was that at his time he was really important, not like a Count or Barron important, but he had his own livestock which made him really something it seems. I find great giggles in this today seeing how much things have changed for that side of my family and the country as a whole. The English, and a bit lucky with finding some of the Irish heritage, also not much of a problem. There was documentation, even some type of number assigned in NY to my first English ancestor here. There are also huge gaps though after this great-great grandfather moved west. There was a wife that didn’t even have a first name given on the U.S. census record that I found. It just listed her husband’s last name, female, wife and approximate age. There are many of these gaps. I will try the source’s that have been listed here; however, I don’t know how much luck I will have. The story that was told to me, and also to my aunts and uncles - that would listen, was that the English came, they started messing with the Natives (not called that by this person) and there we came – as if either before the removal from their land or who knows what. It’s funny to see some here mention that what I said about my experience was a racist slur. We knew this - as that’s why I think his story was told with such disdain – maybe a bit too many racial slurs cast his way long before my first. He loved the ways that he learned it seemed to me, as he lived off the land, told what stories that he knew – so VERY, VERY few and VERY simplistically all of his life, but there seemed to be a pain or sadness there too. As I grew up feeling a bit lost in myself – like not complete – and being judged many times, I wondered what my aunts and uncles and even before them must have went through. I came to figure that this is why he told the story with a touch of disgust. I don’t know how admirable the undertaking is, as it has always seemed a daunting and pretty impossible task since my understanding is that my direct native ancestors never made it as far west as a reservation, but look forward to trying to learn more now. I remember when I was very young I wanted to go and spend time learning the language and basic teachings just to know who we were, but I didn’t know where to start then either so I just turned it off. I have read a lot in the last year or so, when the real calling came back, and continue to do so. I began going to pow-wows but feel the two that I’ve really attended felt a bit too commercialized. There was a group of dancers that were hired from out west though, that I wondered how to be able to ever talk to someone for real like that for lack of good expression there. The head guy in charge had that feel to him also, but he didn’t even come off as very approachable – especially in the heat and business of the days. I’ve never approached because, regardless of the impression formed here, I don’t just go and start speaking, as I have nothing to add to them at first approach. I do not feel a right to be included. I want to and am willing as that’s part of the learning. If people closer to the tribal origins of my own do not do this, OK. It’s funny I have a few dear friends on a rez, but such a far removed tribe from any of my origins. Point being, I get to learn and receive a great deal from them. I was just wanting to expand my search to include the lineage for my own family to be able to share with my daughter so that when she thinks why do I not care about that thing the way others do or why …. – she’ll be able to understand her entire being more, not just parts of a puzzle with many blanks yet to fill. Sorry that got a little long, but that takes care of some of the others’ responses also.
Superdog – I’ve already answered much of this above. In short, sure, I totally agree that I’m trying to find myself. I also feel though that it’s more than this, I’m trying to be able to make use of myself on my path. This seems to me to have to have more of those blanks filled in on the whole me. I’ve lived enough and through enough to know fully who I am and what values are mine; thus, the attitude that to many seems disrespectful. I didn’t come in asking for as Laurel put it – the secret password, or that anyone take me underwing and teach me these things. Thus, I didn’t come in offering anything with my head a hanging. I merely wanted to know if I partake in the journey will I ever be able to participate aside from these sellable shows that I’ve been to already and where to begin this journey. Many have spoken and to you all I give thanks. I know enough and am sure enough in myself to know that I bow to no one. Coming into my ways as a child – that’s precious. I feel like now though I’m the old lady that has been completely swept back into being 6, running through the field with my little drum and playing with my “friends” – none of which were really there to anyone besides me. I grew up and turned my back on these “friends” and for some reason, I hear them calling again and feel their tugs to return. I am up for the work, commitment, etc. I’ve felt outside most of my life so trying to learn and gain acceptance and feeling outside would be nothing new; however, the big hindrance is that there is NO real native community where I live. There used to be a N.A. AA program in a town about an hour or so from me many years ago. I don’t know if this is still together or not. Aside from that, finding a “community” to become involved in is virtually nil aside from fakes and wannabes also. Thus my question posted here. My other big factor is could I move to where a community is? Sure, someday perhaps. My child is the most precious thing and I can’t uproot her from family and all she knows here to go and “find myself”. Should have done that in the first 40 years or more then.
Bullhead – thank you much for the information. This will be the first place that I begin my new search.
Kosowith – your post was extremely thoughtful. Huge thanks to you, also for the free lessons. I had no idea that natives didn’t get a free education and in the form of Pell grants at that. As a fellow working single parent through school, until post-grad work, the expenses are enormous and Pell grants are virtually nothing. I was only a child when my aunt began her search for this funding, but if I’m remembering the scenario correctly, a financial or guidance counselor suggested to her that she do this – not like she went looking to take something from someone that needed it worse than she, as she wound up dropping anyways. Point is I didn’t know this and from what I vaguely remember of it all when she was having trouble financing, someone at the school mentioned it. Therefore, she most likely didn’t know this either. We –the entire family – are not people who are out looking for anything. We’ve lived with enough animosity from others that we were and are not looking at our roots for something of a fad, as it’s not a cool label or fad so it seems counter-intuitive that anyone would even go there other than from the financial gains to be had on the spirit side if they write a book or whatever. I’m sorry that my posts come across as disrespectful, especially to the point where people are saying that I have no right for anything and am asking for a password. I’ve re-read my posts several times, I see nowhere in either of them where I ask for anything nor say that it’s my right, but from this being my first impression to you being as such - I would like to offer a thank you for still taking the time for such a great, honest, respectful and informative response.
Scott and wh – thanks for the welcome and thanks for the link Scott. Off to amazon.
This is a question that I have been wondering in the last month or so nosing through the articles and posts on here and seeing so many using NDN and other terms for indians. Isn’t the use of the word Indian disrespectful in itself – as natives aren’t Indians and that was the whites’ term for them? That’s the mindset of those that I’ve met around my area. I welcome any responses done in respectful fashion.
Also, to the first responses that I received. No matter what disrespect many here have taken from me, I have apologized twice if you took it personally or as I was trying to take something from you. However, the disrespect was never directed at you personally nor your families such as the token auntie crack. She is an Aunt not an "auntie"! I was going to let this go, but I cannot and should not. This was VERY disrespectful and would appreciate such comments just being handed over to earth or sky to take and not to burden me, your or anyone else here reading with comments as such. Thank you.
