Hello. My name is Kris. I went searching and found your forum.
I have been through a difficult relationship in recent years. To my surprise, just as those wounds begin to heal, my thoughts have returned to something I haven't thought about in years.
First, some background: I was harmed by an unscupulous surgeon in 2007. He had said he was going to remove a sinus polyp, but instead removed alot of bone from my face, ruining my face and causing me severe breathing problems. My inner nose--the turbinates which are the organ of breathing--had been removed. I had numerous serious infections from the butchery. I was very sick, distraught, and suffering intensely from the breathing problem. I later discovered there was no medical reason for the surgery.
I had been helped by a spiritual director--trained by a Christian Spiritual Directing organization, Wellsprings--previously, through a difficult period, of about 3 years. I had not seen her for about 4 years when I returned, in this condition. I was unable to work during this time and had only a little money left to live on. I asked her if I could pay less than she normally charges as I was in a bind. She agreed, but I could tell she wasn't happy. This surpised me as the woman was very well off.
At first, she was helpful in affirming my feelings about what had been done to me. She remembered my face and said that the man who had done this to me had not made a mistake. He was a madman. This was the way I felt.
Over about 5 more one-hour sessions, my crying and expressing of anger did not cease, and I talked about wanting to sue the doctor. In about the sixth session like this, she became very disgusted with me, and told me I needed professional counseling, not spiritual direction, that I had mental health issues. I was gutted. I was in so much pain, didn't have my real face, couldn't breathe, was sick from the infections, and she had labeled me neurotic. I attempted to disagree, to get her to see that I was in a spiritual crisis because my strength had been tested beyond the limit. I felt I needed love and attending, though obviously attending me was not pleasant.
She turned very cold and angry, bristling, I could see and feel intense dislike. She said very stiffly that she could make me a referral to a professional who could try to help me, but there was nothing she could do. "I take care of souls," she said hatefully. I stumbled out of the session. I couldn't believe what had happened.
Later at home, I fel absolutely sick. She had made me feel unacceptable to myself. I believed she had made a mistake. I thought we were friends. I called her to talk about what had happened, and how I felt, and she spat at me, "I'll gladly send your money for the session back."
The spiritual director is also a shaman. Some months later, to my surprise, I received an e-mail invitation to a "drumming circle" she was holding at her home. There was a special invitation for me to have a spiritual reading by one of her shamanic students after the drumming. I felt this was a peace offering. I was very ill, but determined to attend.
When I arrived, she told me to go to the basement and wait. I sat in the basement by myself. All of the others stayed upstairs until everyone had arrived. Then they came down together. I was having so much trouble breathing in the airless basement, I could barely cope. I felt horribly self-conscious, like a lesser person than the others. Then there was the drumming, and though I was suffering, it was nice. One thing that bothered me, however, was how much everyone fawned over the shaman, telling her how powerful she was, how great, how elevated, how Godly.
Then there was the spiritual reading, done by her student. The student began to describe a large bird soaring over a hilly area as people were gathered below. I felt very happy as this was a reading of my spirit. It was soaring. Then the student said, "Then the bird...I am sorry...I don't know how to say this...releases its bowels upon all the people below." I almost ceased breathing. I can still remember my heart clenching against the pain.
I had to wait for the gathering to be over. I stumbled upstairs with the others. I turned to my former spiritual director for a good-by, but she hugged everyone good-by except me.
I am a poor driver and night blind, and by this time, I really couldn't breathe. I got lost. It took me 3 hours, gasping for air, to drive the half hour home. I recall that, during this period, I could not have a nice expression on my face because I was in so much pain. Plus, it wasn't my face. I had felt self-conscious about that. It had been quite an undertaking for me to go out at all.
Somehow, I went on. I got better, and had other life experiences. I am now one year out of an abusive relationship, and just as I start to feel better, this experience came to my mind.
Was this spiritual abuse? HAD I done something wrong--being negative--to warrant being treated this way? Why would she do this? Any and all feedback is welcome. Thank you for listening.
