What is a Twinkie?
What exactly is a twinkie? Is it a delicious cream filled snack cake? The nickname of the Minnesota Twins, or an Asian American who acts like a whiteman? Well, a Twinkie may be many of those things but when real live indians talk about Twinkies, they're not talking about any of these things. A Twinkie is a person, almost always a white, privileged person who peddles spiritual junk food. Just as the Hostess version is all sugar and chemicals containing very little nutritional value, the New Age Twinkie is artificial and valueless in a spiritual sense.
Twinkies all have different interests, but there is one trait that they all have in common: an auditory impairment that makes them incapable of hearing or comprehending the word, "No!" This impairment is particularly prominent when a person of lower social class, especially Native Americans, are uttering the word. Some Twinkies have been known to remain completely oblivious to the fact that an entire Nation, the Lakota, have declared War on them. Cat owners may be able to relate to this phenomenon. A cat can hear a can opener three blocks away, but its auditory canals cannot pick up the word, "No!" while engaged in climbing the curtains. The feline brain is approximately the size of a walnut, so one can deduce that Twinkies probably posses brains of comparable size.
Another common trait is a sense of entitlement. Twinkies are often heard preaching about how everyone is entitled to Native American Spirituality. However, no one can have their graphics. It's a subtle distinction that often proves hard to grasp.
Twinkies always stick together. Whenever one Twinkie is exposed, all the other Twinkies rush to its defense with crocodile tears. They make elegant testimonials as to the Twinkies "good intentions" and its kind and "caring voice." It's a kind of professional courtesy among thieves. Good intentions are the New Age equivalent of a "Get out of jail free card". They are an all purpose excuse for any type of exploitation or charlatanism.
A fool and his money are soon parted. The Twinkie counts on this. Just like McDonalds, they know how to please the masses. They know how to mix just the right combinations of Christianity, psycho-babble, Astrology, re-incarnation, Wicca, crystal healing, Tarot card reading and astro-projection to appeal to the general public, desparate for spiritual enlightenment, but not really committed to doing anything that requires too much time or effort, especially on week-ends.
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