Wannabees weirding you out?
Overnighters getting ornery?
New agers nipping at your heels?
Is your forum infested with these types of pests?
Are you greeted by too many "Ahos" and "Mitakuye Oyasins"
everytime you log on?
When you read the day's posts, do you catch a
faint whiff of "Plastic"?
Do you have too many Rainbows streaming in on your discussions?
Do you have white people telling you to be more "red"
Face it my friend, do you have Twinkies in your house?
Then you need Wandering Native's Twinkie-B-Gone
Yes, with Twinkie-B-Gone you can begin ridding your forum of these
Irritating Imitation "Indians."
Just treat your wannabee or new ager with one application of TBG and
they will slowly begin to see the light. Strip away their delusions,
misinformation and fantasies. Wash away their confusing ideas about
our histories and cultures.
TBG lets them see the real world clearly. Watch as they take off
their imported headdress and braids outfits after getting soaked in
TBG. One douse of TBG makes wannabees scurry away like cockroaches.
Use Twinkie-B-Gone to clean the muck left behind on their journey of
the Red Road. One application makes the average new age pest just
peel away.*
Other services also available:
"Wiccan Wash-Out" : When you need to clean your wiccan of the
delusions that our religions and theirs are the same.**
"Totem Clean-em ups": When you absolutely need to clear out an
infestation of wannabe totem fetishists. ***
"Overnighter Oils": Used to smooth over the roughest of feathers of
your overnight indian.****
"Hobbyist Hangup remover": Clear out those pesky European ideas of
what we should be like.+
Call now and receive a free pocket sized sample of "Send GGGGrandma-
Away". Use on any new ager as soon as you hear the words:
My Great Great Grandma was a ……
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A few words from former New Agers, Wannabees and Overnighters who
have been subjected to Wandering Natives' Twinkie-B-Gone treatments:
I once thought I was the last of an ancient tribe but after a few
applications of Twinkie-B-Gone, I realized I had just taken a bad
trip during an anthropology class. Now I'm a roadie for ZZ top and
Rob Zombie. I still can't sing, still can't drive and still can't
groom, but I still wanna be something.
---Micky Lightning Rear (formerly known as "Uncas-Reads-Too-Many-
Books"
Before Twinkie-B-Gone and the Wash-Out treatments, I thought that
Wicca, which is only 75 years old or so as a religion, was the same
as native traditions dating back thousands of years. Boy, was I an
Idiot. Thanks Wandering Native.
---Wanda Broomhandler, (Wiccan and Former New ager, formerly known
as "High Princess Wolfsniffer of the 5th Circle of Enlightened Red
People"
I once had a group of like no-minded people following me around
because I had memorized a bad copy of Black Elk Speaks. I don't know
why I did it, I thought it would get me chicks in truckloads. But all
I got were depressing overweight shut-ins with an Iron-Eyes Cody
fixation. I'm glad someone intervened with Twinkie-B-Gone before one
of them got "too" close.
---Ted Blunder (formerly "Ted Black-Utter, Former Spiritual Leader of
the Cow-A-Bunga band of Idiots"
I once woke up and thought I was channeling the spirit of my ancient
ancestor who told me to stop the "red" menace. After a few
applications of Twinkie-B-Gone, I came to realize that I was
channeling old Ronald Reagan movies instead. Now instead of wanting
to be indian, I want to be a grumpled wrinkly white guy.
Unfortunately I'm stuck with 10 tons of Man-Tan.
Thanks a lot Twinkie-B-Gone.
---David Small Willie (Formerly known as Bad "Pole-Dances-for-money-
from-white-men" Beagle)
I watched Dances with Wolves 98 times, trying to get the look and
feel just right of the Noble Native American Indians of the Great
North American Island of Turtles. After getting smacked around by
Lakotas and other plains tribes, I tried Twinkie-B-Gone thinking it
would darken my pale skin. After a few applications, I realized that
no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't grow my platinum blonde locks
into dark ponytails and although my german accent sounds like a
Plains indian language, I'll never be a Native American Indian.
Never. I'm, I'm just saddened. I will now try and sing a Native
American Indian dirge.
---Klause Ufgar Von Daniken (formerly known as "Stumbles-over-
Anthropologists"
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(*Additional applications may be needed for the most stubborn of
twinkie stains.
** Not available in California
*** Will not work on Toe Fetishists
**** Not effective against Trolls.
+ May be used with "Celt-in-a-Can"
