Ruin

[serpentsigh]

The time I have spent on this site has brought me ruin.  I had scraped together a few lights in the darkness left after my own youth was consumed by an organization like those outed here. 

You put those out too. 

The internet has many treasures, but this site stands head and shoulders above most of them.

I thank you for my ruin, for the first time I feel clean.  I would rather have this than a thousand false prophets.  Now I at least have a chance to hunt with success. 

Do you comprehend the earthshaking value of what you do here?

“[A]t bottom, and just in the deepest and most important things, we are unutterably alone, and for one person to be able to advise or even help another, a lot must happen, a lot must go well, a whole constellation of things must come right in order once to succeed.”
? Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

[Epiphany]

What group were you part of?

[serpentsigh]

After reading more of the guidelines and your reply I realized I did not introduce myself.  It makes sense that with the level of deception online context is important. I also express myself strangely at times.  This is more of a handicap than an affectation. 

I have a story that's hard to tell. I almost never post anything anywhere because of that.  Any alternative community draws crazy folks like flies.  It's important to have compassion for those with mental illness, but they have a disruptive capacity that is breathtaking.  I would know

I'm a 35 year old woman from wyoming from mixed jewish and english catholic background.  I practiced from the age of 18 to 26 within the Diamond Sangha.  Buddhist communities in the west are subject to the same kinds of drama and trauma ( I love that ) that accompany all appropriated traditions. 

After many years of meditation and dozens of retreats the trauma of a childhood defined by incest came up suddenly.  My mind / my sanity and almost my life were ripped away like a poorly secured tarp in a cyclone.  I knew what was happening/ after years of doing little but learning to silently watch my mind I was able to observe every second of it.  The worst part was the fear it caused in my community.  Seeing me go from a young but senior member to a gibbering mess almost overnight terrified them as much as me I think. I had grown closer to them than my broken family and overnight all but a dwindling handful turned their backs with fear and revulsion. 

I was very lucky though and the same tools that had opened the can of worms allowed me to avoid institutionalization.  Very early on I made a vow that I would not burden others with my problems and that the best thing to do was withdraw quietly / from everyone.

I went from a full ride scholarship to one of the best US graduate schools in printmaking to cleaning toilets.  I'm still cleaning toilets and my previous sanity and functionality never really returned but the hard physical work was a great refuge.  The stunning usefullness of the koans were there still though.  In particular the power of "chop wood carry water" has a power to part the waters of delusion that awes me daily.  Getting out of my head and into my body allowed me to stay off medications, my biggest goal.  It has taken a long time but I'm not at the mercy of my crazy anymore.  I have found that one of my best friends in this process has been to say very little and listen a lot. 

I was drawn to shamanism as it seemed to offer a possible healing and context for my mess of a mind.  I was finally considering approaching a teacher but was lucky enough to find this site in the nick of time.

hmmm... a few more rambles.

I have seen so much of the damage caused by people who are unable to call out frauds and predators in community.  There are a few diamonds amidst the shattered glass.  Here is a note of positivity I encountered along the way.

I was lucky enough to study closely for two years with Robert Aitken, one of the few teachers I could ever endorse wholeheartedly.  I lived with him as his caretaker near Hilo Hawaii. He always modeled that the the way to "support" any indigenous people was from a respectful and humble distance.  He passed away recently but was able to be a lifetime ally this way and at a few times was able to provide useful aid in cross cultural disputes (when asked Only.)  I will try to do the same. 

A subtle but pernicious harm can come even from the sincere and wholehearted but smothering and disruptive interest of outsiders. 

Attempting to aid is a kind of invasiveness all its own and a particular bette noir of the left. My own energy is chaotic enough still that it is best directed at vigilance against providing harm. 

What I offer is my admiration and gratitude for the lively window into the work you do, and for the valuable course correction you have given me. 

Lindsey

[critter - a white non-ndn person]

Lindsey,

I had my own bouts with a mind gone crazy, and like you, worked it through on my own. The beliefs I learned prior to the crazy helped me through and I'm glad you say yours have helped you.  I then had years of debilitating PTSD. But I have finally made it to a point of health wherein I can actually function and support myself in a good way. And I believe you will too, with time, and in time.

Friends are far and few..

I appreciate your struggle and your strength.  People who go through such things either remain crazy, become harmful, or survive to a more healthy and good state than previous. I believe you are in the latter.

My best wishes to you.

[serpentsigh]

Critter,
Thank you for your sensitive reply.
I have never related what happened in
any public way.  It was a deep relief to do so
in a context that feels appropriate and receptive.

Friends are far and few..

I have a few other rare and good friends in abundance here already...
They stand in quiet contrast to the flashy claims of those you expose.

Good Humor
Clear and Solid Argument
Capable Editing

Smiles happily

[serpentsigh]

If this is off topic I apologize, but briefly... Have you by chance run across the work of Robert Sapolsky?

I would love to hear what those here might think
about his work, he is still a bit under the radar but pretty
fierce.

He has a great series of lectures available from Stanford on youtube.

Really engaging speaker and some jaw droppingly thought provoking material.

Happy Listening!
serpentsigh

[tecpaocelotl]

I think you should make that into a new topic.