Having finally been busted by NAFPS, a sometime plastic shaman turns to Catholicism for new inspiration. On a stall at a new age fair in San Francisco, the following scene takes place...
[Woman walks past]
Hello ma’am. Are you interested in exploring Catholic spirituality? As you can see we're all about spreading love and light here. For example, can I show you this beautiful screenprint featuring the words of Saints Bill and Ted - “be excellent to each other”? Wise words, wise words indeed. Y'know, the first time I read those – I just knew Catholicism was my path. Such wisdom and beauty, such insight... [Woman wanders off]
[an attractive young woman walks past]
Well hello there miss. Looking very fine today. Would you like a sample of my chocolate communion wafers? Oh you're Catholic miss? Well then – you'll know exactly what I'm talking about. In fact, my grandfather was a Catholic bishop, and he gave me my special Catholic name – Saint Pope the Third. That's right miss – Saint Pope the Third. Celibate? What does that mean then? …. Oh... Erm... I mean in a past life. My grandfather was a priest in a past life. Yeah. Me though, I'm not celibate miss. We don't do all that old-fashioned stuff any more. I teach core Catholicism – we just filter out the good bits. In fact miss – here let me give you my card. If you want to call me later I'll be happy to show you just how definitely not celibate I am, if you know what I mean *wink* [she walks off in disgust]
Sigh. Some people are so unsaintly. No interest in spreading love and light at all. It'll all come out on the day of judgement though, you mark my words. When they separate the sheep and the goats – well let me tell you she won't be the one going to heaven.
[a man walks past carrying a bottle of water].
Here let me bless that for you sir. Why, you ask? What a good question. I can see you are very insightful sir. Well – it keeps the demons away. You should only drink holy water, like the Catholics of ancient times sir. Very wise they were, very wise. Now … let me see... [makes the sign of the cross over the water bottle] Glorei , Veni Vidi Vichi, Ecce Romani*, Hail Joseph. There you are sir, all done. That'll be 8 dollars please. Well.... I can always unbless it if you don't wanna pay me. Makes the demons come back 7-fold though I have to warn you. Very dangerous indeed...
[“Just keep it” - man walks off leaving the bottle].
[someone finally shows some interest]
Welcome, welcome – finally a true seeker. I just know you were meant to find me here. Well, there's all sorts of ways for the discerning seeker such as yourself to engage with Catholicism. I run a weekly seminar on Tuesday evenings. Next week, we're exploring the 5 magical secrets of the confessional. It's just 50 dollars a session, or 200 dollars if you sign up to the next 5. Tell you what, first session half price, just for you – let me give you a voucher. If you like what you see and want to take it to the next level, you can always join my fast track to sainthood course. We boil down the wisdom of the ancients into easy steps and my online training course provides all the info you need to become a practising saint yourself in just 3 years. Not a lot of people know this, but saints can perform miracles of course.... Excellent, excellent. See you Tuesday.
*Latin -ish for glory , I came I saw I conquered, look out it's the Romans
