Story of stick..

[critter - a white non-ndn person]

last night, this whole memory came back to me and I thought I would share it.

In the early to mid 90's I was attending sweat lodges every month. It was a difficult time for me, suicidal and lost.
Without going into the depth of my childhood, suffice it to say that I was socially awkward and inept. I didn't speak much
in groups of people I didn't know. So, I would go every month, and usually just sit around quiet, not saying much. Or,
not understanding really, what was being said, lots of the topic of conversations was about people, events, that I
was not part of, and had nothing to say of..

The few times I did speak I felt totally inadequate, even when I was asked direct questions, I always felt that
whatever I would say was met with eye rolls from the woman host when I would leave... so I just didn't talk. This
is not against that woman, it is reflection of my state of being, as I said I was in a very hard place within.
This woman actually came to help me at the end of my days there.. after a year when I did a small fast and out on my
own, and within 15 minutes was given the sign to leave. I cannot describe the place I was in, suffice it to say I would
have just sat there forever if she hadn't come out to finish for me what I could no longer do for myself. I had no self
esteem, I had no hope, no dreams, no nothing. I felt completely defeated and alone. But that was at the end..  

Months before the end of those days..

An elderly man, I believe his name was Paul, he handed me a stick of white sage, and told me I would
know what to use it for. Well, I didn't, but I accept his gift and kept it forever. I did end up burning the leaves
of it, but I kept the stick. I moved often in the next years and that stick came with me.  I had it for over ten years.
Everywhere I moved I would hang that stick, still wrapped with red thread, I would hang it in my bedroom on the window.
Sometimes I would hang a few necklaces that were special to me..

Well, a few years ago, this woman who claimed to be some Cherokee holy person, using the word "ashna" instead of 'shaman'.
She wasn't my 'teacher' but she was a friend.. and I did believe her at that time that she was this 'ashna'..

Anyway, she was at my house, and we were just chatting about nothings, and somehow the subject of tangled
necklaces came up.. I showed her my stick with the tangle after so many moves.. I hadn't sat down to untangle it
yet after this last move, and she offered. I handed it to her.  

I told her the story behind it, and how much it meant to me, that that stick had been with me over 10 years.. the
fact that someone cared or whatever enough to give me something like that meant very deeply to me..

She untangled it, she also busted up the stick and threw it in the garbage.

I miss my stick.  :'(  as stupid as that may sound..

I wish I'd found Nafps before I met this woman..

I'm sorry if this is not proper to share here.

[Defend the Sacred]

I am sorry that you've suffered in your life, and that people you looked to for help hurt you more. You are not alone. It's happened to many of us.

[earthw7]

Oh My, this story broke my heart, why would she do that?
I am native and I would never do that. I know that there are
lesson to learn all the time but the action must be taken by the
person.
If you were close i would give you some sage that I picked and dryed
for ceremonies for you to use.
Maybe this was a way for you to heal because that is all what life is
about is healing.

[critter - a white non-ndn person]

thanks kathryn. the next couple times I'd gone to the sweat, paul was not there.. i asked about him and was told he'd passed. i felt bad i hadn't said more to him that day. he was a veteran.  they were all good people there, and for whatever reasons i couldn't speak up, if i could have, i'd have said how i was feeling when i was taken into the lodge for after the fast.. maybe he would have had something to say, i will never know.. i wasn't capable of communicating with most people at that time in my life.. hah.. i can only imagine what they must have thought.. some strange weirdo coming to their lodge..  lol

they did a lot for me, and gave a lot and it is part of me, and why i would never spit on them or any of the native cultures. good people, and i love them still.

earthw7, that you have that thought for me is greatly appreciated and i thank you.

why that other woman did that to my stick? who knows. she did the same to me.. busted me up and tossed me in the garbage.. pretty much sums it up.

only thing i want to say is that i didn't fall into this woman because i was looking for spiritual help or powers or whatever spiritual things people seek..  it happened because i'm a person who has never felt or experienced being loved by another human being. no, i didn't feel it from her either.. but i did with someone, and it didn't take much to convince me of all the things i needed to believe.

[critter - a white non-ndn person]

i've realized i have to consider the possibility that she simply forgot what i told her about it, or.. that she never really heard what i said, being absent minded or preoccupied and unconsciously ignoring/blocking out my talking as people do from time to time..  or.. since she does have some serious issues, one of which is periods of time she has no memory of, so she could have blanked out and forgot what she was doing and broke it apart to get the necklaces off.. and never even realized it because of her issue of time/memory loss/absence. 

she isn't an intentionally mean person, and i don't feel it's fair to leave any impressions that she is. she's just a lot more messed up than she realizes.. best to just wish her to be well and heal for herself. 

[earthw7]

you know you have a good heart

[apukjij]

ty for sharing your story, you'll often notice within some of my posts a thinly veiled anger within them, you see for me as well, these issues are not abstract, in fact i wish i was far removed from them, these issues discussed on this forum are directly and indirectly hurting the Native People here in Maritime canada, if you want more info look at my posts before i joined, and signed as a guest using the same name; i also have to admit, having people read my posts and respond to them does help! as the old saying goes:A Problem Shared is a Problem Halved! and your post touched on another point that i have been trying to make here in my communities, we need sane healthy leaders, not leaders who 5 years ago was at the Poundmaker  Lodge, or the Anishanbe Health Centres, 5 years ago these people were broken and desolate, and found some peace in these Healing centres, now they are calling themselves ceremonial leaders, yes i believe in healing but i think its delusional to think 5 years later you are ready to not only try to help people but try to set yourself up as a Healer/Leader,
your post also  made me feel bad for you in your trying to make excuses for someone who destroyed a priceless sentimental object of yours, when you get right down to it, its inexcusable....

[critter - a white non-ndn person]

hi apukjij,

it wasn't an excuse for her, it was a small bit of understanding for me.. that may have farther reach than i realized at the moment..

i only know one way to heal these kinds of things.. and that is to let go of it.  doesn't mean i'll forget or forgive.. but i don't have to carry it with me ..

not the same for ndn's with the cultural thefts as it is ongoing.. it is, in essence, a war. and healing usually comes after the event or war is done.. hard if not impossible to heal a wound that is still being created..

also, i'm sorry your people are having such problems. i don't know about leaders and healing centers.. i do know that sometimes, helping others in similar situations is very healing..  but i don't think people should set their self up to be one or the other. 

[Defend the Sacred]

Critter, by having the openness and courage to share your story, I think you've given people some good insight into what makes people vulnerable to predators. Thank you. By sharing your story you have hopefully helped others learn some things, things that may help them avoid being exploited.

[critter - a white non-ndn person]

thanks i hope so.

honestly though, i'd rather if i'd ended up in this because of my own greed..  being used and abused through the heart is not a good thing and some days, i'm never quite sure i can really fully recover.. let alone trust my inner sense and/or Spirit to any degree whatsoever.. to go into it further than that would just be ugly to read..

she didnt' charge money, she didn't run ceremony and she wasn't my 'teacher' in a student/teacher type scenario.  she was someone i thought was a friend, and who claimed to be 'ashna' or 'shaman' for general public idea of whatever that word shaman means.

more than just her came into all this, but she was the person i was leaning on to help..  she was the one who claimed to be this and that..  and i expected as a friend and as the person she claimed to be, that she would help..  instead, she treated me like there was something wrong with me.. and/or didn't believe me or thought i was 'over reacting'.. which is how she treated me when i was dealing with my dying cat.. i will never forgive her for Bear, some healer she is!  telling me he's constipated when he's dying from kidney failure.. telling me he's traumatized due to someone throwing rocks at him when he was in pain.. how's that for empath?  LOL early in our relationship she got peeved at me when i called her out on NOT being an empath..

anyway, no, i wasn't that stupid, i took Bear to the vet right away.. hey, i'm not a shaman but i can certainly tell when an animal is in pain!  and i knew he was dying as well.. and she's this self delusional 'ashna' who didn't know this?   Eh..

if it had just been about spiritual things and spiritual experiences i would have ended up denouncing her and walking away.. however, when my heart broke, it left me deeply vulnerable.. and i wasn't able to just walk away without some help.. and
there was none.. then the attacks started because some people really do know black magics..  she couldn't help me there
either and acted again, like with Bear, that i was over reacting or making it up..  i hate her for that.. there is nothing nothing
worse in my experience than being abused, and going to someone with it, and being treated like you're making it up.

see, everything is compounded.. it's not just one thing or one person.  when my heart broke and i tried to talk to her about it because i knew i was going down and wasn't sure i'd survive.. what diff did it matter if she was friend or healer? but she acted like
i was using her for it.. and would sit on the other end of the phone and not say a damn word.. not one single thing.. i am not used to talking to people about my feelings or anything.. so it was huge and hard to me to open up like that to her.. and i was met with cold dead silence..  sort of like a brick wall except that the brick wall has more feeling and care for you... she treated me like i was dirt at a time when i already felt like dirt.. i ended up self harming myself that day because when a person is swimming and sinking in a pool of pain, and the hand they reach for is just another rejection.. well, it's easy to believe it's because you're just not worth it.  coupled on top of the child hood i had.. it was like having confirmation in adulthood that i really wasn't worth it.. i could see her treating other people much differently.. no cold walls to them.. just me.  and in my child hood, it was the same..

i turned on Spirit.. wtf was the point in staying alive all these years, i could have killed myself at 14 like i wanted to.. and saved myself all this..  i didn't kill myself at 14 because the day i decided to, (after a year of contemplation) i was given 3 visions.. and told i had to stay alive to meet someone.. so i did.. all visions came to pass, and i met the someone.. only.. he rejected me and was emotionally and mentally abusive towards me.. and that was the heart break i was going thru.. not just love rejection.. but trying to even understand at all why the F i bothered to stay alive if it was just to be abused by the person i stayed alive to meet.. and then doubly abused by the person i thought was there to help me. all of it was too much emotional turmoil to deal with and on top of that, this guy's "friend" was attacking me via black magic .. oh.. and also, i had a stalker coming around tapping on my windows and banging on my walls.. so i was calling police 4 times a week.. and yep.. once again, no one believed me.. until about 4 months into it when the cops actually spotted him in my bushes and chased him..

i couldn't get out of this, and i would have died except i'm stubborn as they come and no way whatsoever was i going to allow the dark to win.. so in that regards, it's kind of funny, because as much as those people attacked me, their doing so in the end sort of saved me because i refused to let them win. .. 

one day i just said.. F this.. i have a life and i have a right to live it and I'm going to be happy if it damn kills me.. and then i kicked her out.. and funneled all my anger at her to keep her out..  i continued being attacked constantly by the others until i eventually stumbled on someone who helped..  it took approximately 4 years to get the attacks to stop.. it's ok if no one believes me.. i'm used to that.. but yes, there were on any given day at least 10 people running black magics on me.. they were being paid to do so..

however, i don't feel angry to them.. i mean, it's who they are.. dark black magic people too selfish and greedy for money to have any clue of what is right and what is wrong.. it's like trying to be mad at a shark for having teeth.. as much as i hated it, i never hated them.  it's quite different than when you're claiming to be some holy person, empath, healer, and you're just a clueless idiot.. than when you're a darkly evil person and make no claims otherwise..

well, the woman who hired the black magic workers does make claims otherwise... she's a 'lightworker'.. and all that .. lol..  but i have no doubt that it will come back to her so i don't even think about it..   or her.. and i have no animosity there..

the last 5 or 4 years have been spent working on trying to heal and come to terms.. much of it is behind me.. and i actually have had the past month or so of feeling very deeply happy..    

[ska]

Dear Critter,

One of the things I'm consistently reminded of by my Elders is that where I put my focus will really shape how I deal with the events of my daily experience.  So I want to hold this part of your story in my heart :

"An elderly man, I believe his name was Paul, he handed me a stick of white sage, and told me I would
know what to use it for. Well, I didn't, but I accept his gift and kept it forever. . . the
fact that someone cared or whatever enough to give me something like that meant very deeply to me.."

An Elderly man came to you with love and friendship, expressed through very few words and a healing gift.  And you, with all the breathtakingly beautiful faith and acceptance that humans are capable of, accepted his kind gift. forever.  Clearly the importance of this man, and his act of kindness, was not lost on you, and continues to have meaning for you, 10 years later. 

This forever gift can not be taken away.  That gift comes from the Spirit that is all life, and no man or woman can claim to own this gift, though we can accept it and allow it to move through us and for each other.  I am not trying to diminish the pain you experienced by the thoughtless act of the woman who destroyed the stick, but in your heart, you know the gift is still with you, and you respectfully acknowledge this, too, because in another post you describe the circle that Paul was a part of , and you say "they did a lot for me, and gave a lot and it is part of me".

Paul's gift is woven into the tapestry of life lessons you are carrying in a good way towards your healing.  I feel his gift in your expressions of compassion for Indigenous Peoples and forgiveness for the stick-breaker.  On this good day, I express my gratitude to you for sharing this gift with me, through your story. 

As for stick-breaker's intentions, worrying about these is a surefire distraction from the path that is meant for you, and you alone.  As my husband would say, "that's her issue, not yours".  I took another lesson from the way you shared your story without  judging her.

Best, ska

[critter - a white non-ndn person]

thanks, and you didn't diminish any pain except in the good way..

and i do believe the gift he gave me is still with me.. and that the memory came for good reason.. it's been helpful to remember that day..

and thanks for sharing what elders say in regards to focus. i have learned that during all this and it has helped me much to over come these things.. by keeping focus on the things that build me.. not destroy me.. it is a good thing for people to understand on where they put their focus.

best to you as well,
critter

[critter - a white non-ndn person]

Ai.. I have to come back to this again because it doesn't set well with me to call someone a clueless idiot or say that i hate them.

what i want to say is that she messed up big time with me. i have no proof nor have i heard of anyone else who has befriended her having these similar problems.  it doesn't make it my fault, though, which is what she tried to say because, well, the issues and how she was with me was fairly singular to me. 

i have other beliefs than ndn's.. i believe in reincarnation and karma.. and i know some of the things i had to live were karmic in nature.. but not all and everything. i believe in moving forward.. and trying to write about these things it isn't always easy to keep the 'feelings' i had 'then' out of the expression of my experience..

it may seem i'm overly compassionate or understanding of my 'abusers'.. but i know these people fairly well, and i know the better parts of them as well as the ugly parts of them.. i cannot in good conscience just dismiss them as being horrible when i know they are not.. this doesn't mean that there are not people whom i've met who truly are despicable human beings with no redeeming qualities. but in those cases, well, it's not the same because as i said.. it's like being mad at a shark for having teeth.. and using them teeth to bite..

the pain comes when it is from someone i have loved that i am mistreated, and thus it is more complicated because in that love, are the good qualities of the person.. and i am not one who can dismiss someone in whole when it was only a part of them that did what they did. i'm not a saint, i'm not perfect, and i'm sure i've hurt someone on Earth somewhere.. i would hope they see my good as well as my bad.. and not dismiss me in total.

it is more healing for me to hope that the stick breaking woman also learned something of value from the horrible experience i had with her. she isn't without compassion her self, and if she is honest to take those steps, i'm sure the experience from her end can benefit her as much as it did me..

my life was not ruined regardless of the depth of the breakdown i underwent.. i have learned much and would i have without these things? balance is necessary in my life to understand and come to terms with events i cannot comprehend, but which in the end, force me to choose the good over the bad.. and how can i hate or begrudge that?

i am good here and now.. and i believe in using all events of life to better the good in me and in others rather than to harbor the grudge and carry forward the pain and hate into my next life. 

that's my basic philosophy of life and which i've tried to follow since childhood.. i am not alone, and i am being aided in recovery and understanding .. the stick memory for example.. was a good help to me.

thank you all who took time to read all this.. and those who commented.. you have helped me too. ((hugs))