1st Part
I express my heartfelt thanks all those people who helped me to discover myself and who continue helping women to transform positively our lives and to be joyful; who gave me the possibility for transformation, filled out live with new meaning, which were patient with my weaknesses and were happy to see me making progress!
And, I also thank you, dear beautiful women for being real Goddesses!!!
Know thyself and you will find your happiness!
I thank God for all lessons he gave me and for a chance to become happy!
Madam and young ladies, with the hope that these words can help you believe in yourself!
Uncover a secret of man’s heart, and become the real Goddesses!
How it happened to me…
Marinn Van
How I became a Goddess!
He beat her and she loved him
What I describe in this book may seem to you shocking just for the simple reason this story of my life is written and you can read it. To see it from outside is more awful. Actually, every of us have similar stories what we just had been accustomed to. They live inside of us and we don’t notice how they affect our “happiness” every day.
I was born in an ordinary family of workers, my mother is cook. We lived a normal life, by this we meant the following – my father was a drinker and, sometimes he beat my mother. But anyway, she loved him and always felt bitter when he walked away. In such moments my mother became listless, she could stay in a depressed state without moving for hours, I always felt pity for her and always tried to take her mind off her troubles, dancing in front of her, telling her ridiculous stories that could make her smile, singing and dressing in funny a clothes. Those were my ways to distract my mother. And, I felt happy when she could evoke a smile… My father walked away when he wanted to meet his friends and to get drunk. He was leaving the house for a week or more when he wanted to meet his friends, alcoholics like him. That time my mother started to find him, taking me by the hand. We were visiting musty places full of rubbish with a smell of shit. We knocked at the doors hoping we could save him, but he really didn’t need out help. From time to time, they opened the doors and, sometimes the door was opened by drunk, dirty woman any tooth. She started expressing like a bad actress and was pretending to be surprised saying there wasn’t any man to be fount at that place. My mother always comes down on them saying they count for little in comparison with her. There wasn’t ever any thought in her head that he is just one of them and she lives with the man like they.
Once, after another visit to that house where they say us that my father wasn’t there, we were returning home. We crossed the road with a lot of cars. Then, my mother saw him! He was going by the other side of the street in the direction of the house we just visited. My mother grasped my arm and we run after him. The cars on the road didn’t let us to catch up him. Didn’t let to catch my drunken father!
There didn’t exist anything in that moment for my mother, neither the road nor the cars. Our lives, her and mine which we could loose weren’t so important, but her love object or my drunken father! I was scared, but implanted importance of love was on a first place. I was 6 years old. So was a life I saw.
There was another case which I remembered very well. Once, when my parents were fighting I was setting them apart. I was only seven, they didn’t see me, and I was in danger between their kicks feeling importance to stop that and at the same time desiring to put an end to it. And I shouted very loud, and then a phrase escaped of my mouth, possibly from the deepest side of me - “I will never live like this!” Now, when I am writing this book, my wish came true. Before that, I suffered from depression like my mother, jealousy, besides I had never felt myself like a true woman. For a long time I had a very low esteem for myself as a woman. I was married a man like my father, it was thank to the example of my parents.
I met him…
Like every girl I hoped to meet a man of my dream. And, of course, it happened. I saw him at the Club. Tall and handsome, well build man was watching me all night long, and I was watching him. The memories of that night should have been pleasant, if it weren’t for one episode. The club was pretty crowded- people of all kinds attended. Surely, among them there were impudent and unpleasant fellows. First they didn’t trouble me but then three of them started touching me while I was dancing. It felt unpleasant. One grasp my hand tightly, another pulled my skirt and the third one teared down my daypack (it was a fashionable accessory at that time) I told them to left me alone and tried to escape. In response they laughed `at me at pulled to a side.
In the end I did get away and managed to escape... To my genuine surprise my “prince” didn’t even try to rescue me .I had acquaintances in that club whom I told what happened... I was not the first victim of their” game”. Apparently the administrator of the club saw how they tried to solicit other girls, so she asked them to leave. I was feeling safer, but frustrated a bit because, I really wanted for my perfect dream guy to save from the bawdy guys. I thought that he could use the situation as an opportunity to get closer... “The prince should surely be a knight”- my mum used to say.
It totally blew my head off when I saw him again... Seeing him looking at me triggered my imagination. Maybe he is the man I was looking for? The party was nearly over, I was almost leaving. I collected my jacket from the cloakroom and was on my way towards the exit. I was disappointed that he didn’t make the first move. It wasn’t in my nature to come and talk to the guy first, so I’ve been taught by my mother. Of course, I felt sad that he even didn’t come up to me. My mother had been always saying me that I should not be first to make the acquaintance of guys. I went out and was going slowly, because I still hope he would like to meet me. Suddenly, I heard paths besides me. My heart started beating as fast as it wanted to make all heart beats for all my future life. Hurrah! It was him!
“Can I meet you, lady?” I heard.
I turned with a shining smile forward my future happiness and said, “Yes.”
“My name is Andrei.”
“I am Marinn.”
“Maybe you will give me your phone number, I’ll call you and we’ll take a walk.”
We gave our phone numbers to each other.
“What do you do for a living, Marinn?”
“I am a dancer, and you?”
“I am a sportsman, I play a court tennis.” He said very proudly.
It was the way we met each other. He was so nice to me, he seemed to be a highbred and smart guy. ”I am so lucky!” I thought. Well, my father was an alcoholic. Andrei and he were the poles apart. Unfortunatelly, I didn’t know that a male has not to be just a good-mannered. I didn’t know that sometimes a uneducated man could be more educated, intellectual and more sincere and near to God.
The day after tomorrow came and we met each other. He came to my subway station and we went to my place. Thus, we started to live together. Speaking about sex, we had it on the same day or on the next day, it was not so succesful. I don’t even want to mention pleasure or any pleasant sensations. Strange to say, that don’t get my attention. Soon, Andrei started saying I had to leave my job at the club, because he could maintain us. But he didn’t ask me to marry him.
One famous actor, who was kind with me, offered me to be his lover. I could not accept that, because I had different approaches to life. And now, I have Andrei who is young, single guy, staying besides me day by day. All this agrees with my concept of happy life. Anyway, our sex was awful. ”We have to learn” I was saying to myself. I quit my job at the club and brake with all my acquaitances. They called me few times in the presence of my new-made lover, and I said goodbye to all of them. He was so proud of me or of himself, nobody knows that, so that feeling cheered him up and he looked like a million dollars. I even was learning how to cook just for Andrei. Actually, I cooked very well, my mother was a cook, so I knew all her recipes.
But Andrei didn’t like my cooking and I was upset. Sex as always was like an uncorrect Rubik's Cube. My prince had friends and a lady friend Katia. She was very well-educated girl, they could talk on for hours. I felt jealous when we quarreled, and since it was happening more often he leaved home and went to her place. When it started to happen more often, I cried and can not move, at the worse, I got drunk and didn’t care about anything. Soon, I started to prepare for exams at Academy of Theatre Arts, so I was busy studing at the library and learning dances I had in my head. Once he came into the room where I was dancing. Usually, he and Katia often were talking in the kitchen when I was practicing my dances. With a gracious smile on his face he said, ¨Don´t torture yourself and go the the Institute of Culture. We can afford two hundred dollars per semester.¨
I realized they didn’t believe in me, but anyway I knew what I was able to. I answered, ¨First, I’ll try to get accepted into the Academy, and then into the Institute of Culture.¨ Still I could not to talk to him so easily like his friend Katia did, she even flirted with him and expressed her point of view. I was tense and was saying to myself, “I am so lucky to have such a man!” Nevertheless, I got annoyed when he forced me to wear the same clothes and colors his friend Katia used to wear. We quarreled about this, and little by little I started to believe that I am not very nice and attractive. Andrei changed his opinion about me, so I felt that he started to respect me. In that moment Katia, being a little drunk, asked me,
”Where have you been accepted to?”
”State Institute of Teatre Arts”
”It is funny, I thought that to the Institute of Culture.”
His respect for me didn’t last for too long. I had less time to do my housework when I started my studies, although I tried to find time for cooking. It was the end of his patience; he needed housewife instead of the wife who is student. He said, “You have to choose either me or your Academy!”
Such often quarrels made me to think seriously about leaving my studies and not about he was the right man for me. Still there was something inside me that could not and didn’t want to stand it. I loved very much what I was doing, I liked inventing new dances. So, I tried to please him, but probably I was trying badly. Now we quarreled also about money. It was difficult to ask him for money to buy clothes, and he didn’t give me some. We stopped to understand each other; he often said I was materialist. Those words made magical effect on me, and I tried to ask for less money. I needed a lot of time for my studies, because producer and choreographer job always requires training, create ideas, music, and invent choreography. After that, I had to rehearse and so endlessly. In addition to this, I got the job. It was hard time for me; I was working and studying at the same time, but there wasn’t happiness on the horizon. Something else happened what ruined my emotional, psychic health and my beauty. It was pregnancy.
I called Andrei to tell him the news,
”I am pregnant and I don’t know what to do.”
I wanted to have an abortion because I dreamt of my carrier. I was putting up shows and didn’t have time to take care of the future baby. And, I thought that my sweetheart would say me the same. But, it wasn’t so,
”You have to give birth to this child. You’ll take study leave, and in a year could continue studying.”
And, I decided to have this baby. I tried to feel myself happy, but I could not. Maybe it was not my wish, althouh all women have children sooner or later. And, I started to calm myself saying that „I’ll suffer while young, and then I’ll be free.” As a matter of fact, I never desired something like this, my wishes were different. So, I was scared. Every person has his own wishes and appetites, because we all are different. People can’t have the same wishes, and we understand it, but anyway women seem to be hypnotized saying over and over – “All women have to give birth.” And no one can discuss it, because this idea is stronger than all my wishes, especially if it’s my lover’s idea. It was surprising why I thought that way; we either had good sex, nor money and nothing to talk about.
In addition to my studies, work and housework I began to feel sick, it was some new state for me. I hardly passed my exams, dancing was hardly possible for me. I always was in a bad mood; all my true feelings were shown on my face. My lover changed also, he became nervous and rude. I realized that I gained weight and there weren’t any cloth I could wear, so we went shopping to buy me jeans. Andrei always was annoyed saying I always needed something. He remembered me that my belly had to grow and I needed clothes with bigger size. I felt a weak protest inside of me, because I hated shapeless dresses. It was disgusting time, and I couldn’t recognize my partner, he didn’t even show any respect to me. I felt hurt.
My prince was coming home more rarely. I was distressed, nervous, torturing myself thinking that all I was doing was wrong. Every time he was coming home we always argued. Everything was starting with words I have heard from my mother - ”Where have you been?”
Then began the holidays after exams, but this long-expected time became a hell for me.
”I was at my friend’s house, but you as always are so angry and displeased?”
”Sure”
I answered with indignation, because his behaviour was inexplicable for me. After all I am expecting a baby; we should have a happy family. My husband has to be besides me, but, it was quite on contrary. Nevertheless, I never asked myself why my life was different to what I had in my imagination. And never there appeared a sensation that maybe it is not true, maybe it is an empty image in my mind that I live with. All my notions didn’t connect with the reality; anyway I tried to be happy although without any idea how to do it. So, I continued saying about what I had in my mind.
”I am tired to see that I mean nothing to you. How long will you be torturing me? I want normal relationship.”
I cried bitterly and I looked like a sick person, without any make-up, wearing a green pyjamas with a cartoon pictures of eyes on it and flabby pants. It was his mother’s present. Oh, my God, how could I wear something like that and think that was the woman he had to love.
“You are an animal.” He continued telling me, “Look at you, a normal person doesn’t behave like this.”
Those words had a “magical” effect on me and I became to cry louder, “Andriusha, I feel bad and nauseous all the time; I can’t stand any smells anymore. You are never at home. I feel so lonely and left out, thinking why you are so cold with me, you are often away from home.”
“You are like your insane girlfriend who just spazzes out without any reason. I don’t believe in all these changes during your pregnancy, you think them up.”
Andrei went to the room and turned on the TV. I calmed down and my next step in this drama was forgiveness. As a dog with tail between legs and a begging look I entered the room and once again started asking for his forgiveness.
“Andriusha, I am so sorry, I will never behave like this.”
“I’ve already heard this.”
“I know, I am bad, but I’ll try to be better. I love you. I don’t know what is up to me.”
Actually, that hysteric attack was a result of two-day waiting for my sweetheart.” Jealousy and offence, anger and fixation. Belief in something what doesn’t exist.
“Well, we will see.” My prince told me. And I lied down beside him, feeling so happy that I was forgiven.”
“Pat my back.” My treasure said. And I carefully started to pat him till he fell asleep.
Next day I was so good and easy, but Andrei started a quarrel from nothing and went away. It was our real family life. That time he was away for a few days and his phone was disconnected. I didn’t sleep at nights, crying. Attacks of nausea bothered me so much, I hated myself and I really didn’t know what to do. So, one morning after a sleepless nights I’ve called my aunt Ira and told her about our relationship.
“My dear, he doesn’t want this baby.”
“It can’t be he told me himself that we will have this baby.”
“He just doesn’t want to seem a bad person, he’s afraid not to behave like a real man. But his behaviour shows his fear. Have an abortion while there is time yet.”
“I can’t, it’s almost two months already, and I may never have babies.”
“You might. Don’t spoil your life, you have to finish your studies, you like to dance, so don’t ruin your carrier. The time will come when you will have a baby that will be welcomed and loved not just by you. You transmit your stress to your child and it will be born sick.
Ira had been talking for a long time; she even told that maybe would be better to break up with Andrei. I believed everything, except the idea of separating. After that conversation I felt energy again. Now I had to find my coward real man, because I needed money to have an abortion. After some phone calls to his friends I have found him. Our conversation was short,
“Andrei, find the money for an abortion as soon as possible. I made a decision. Don’t take it too long, I’m waiting.”
Actually, I didn’t wait for too long, he came in two hours. He took a sit next to me and said affectedly,
“Maybe you’ll think once more, maybe everything will be all right?”
Thank to my aunt Ira for the first time I heard the lie and in ten minutes I went for an abortion.
